I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize