dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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