Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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