I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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