If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
