the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
