i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
