just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
