my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
