my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
