The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
