Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
