I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
