It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
