I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
