she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize