honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize