I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
