Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
