Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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