i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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