Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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