I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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