This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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