My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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