How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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