I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
