neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
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