you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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