If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Randomize
