After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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