Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
