are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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