I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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