Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
