Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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