HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
