Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
