if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
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