Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
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