By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
