Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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