Duck Duck Cougar?
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
