Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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