Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
