Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
