Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
