Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
