I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
