omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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