I'm gonna have a badass scar
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
