I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I touched a dick in church today
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
