Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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