Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
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