I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
