a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
