My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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