i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
