Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
