woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
