it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
My pussy is not your playground.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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