Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
