I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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